Bureaucratic bullshit

Transitions are always difficult, be they graduating from college, starting a new job or moving to a new city. I'm now in the process of trying to finish my postdoc, arrange the move of all of my worldly possessions, get my new lab sorted out etc and just when I thought I had everything under control, the big, bad hand of the US government came and slapped me across the face yet again.

As a non-US citizen, I've had to face the most ridiculous and arcane rules, regulations and stupidity I've encountered anywhere in the world. For those of you that haven't had the pleasure of being a non-resident alien in the United States, this is just a taste of what I went through when I first arrived four years ago ...

Keep in mind that my home country is a VERY, VERY close ally to the US and that I am caucasian, educated, speak English as a first language and do not have any criminal convictions.

1. Get a work permit
This is NOT a visa. A work permit allows you to work in the US, it does NOT get you into the country. My initial status was as a J-1 exchange visitor and I had to send a gazillion emails and make several phone calls from the land far, far away to get my potential postdoc institution to eventually generate this paperwork and I had to pay $100 for the privilege.

2. Get an entry visa
2.1: make appointment with US consulate and pay $14 fee for the privilege
2.2: pay the non-immigrant visa application processing fee (~$130)
2.3: spend ridiculous amount of money flying to Big Capital City for interview as the US consulate in Moderately Large Capital City doesn't do visa interviews
2.4: go through two security screenings (including identification verification each time) and wait for 2-3 hours beyond your appointment time until your number gets called
2.5: have your fingerprints and photo taken
2.6: answer basic questions about your background, qualifications, US job offer and plans to leave US while every other visa applicant listens
2.7: pay non-immigrant visa issuance fee (~$100)
2.8: fly back to Moderately Large Capital City and await return of passport with visa

3. Get hassled by immigration officials at port of entry
Oh this is the fun one. I get treated like a potential suspect each and every time I enter the US, regardless of the fact that I am polite and that my paperwork is in order.

4. Register with institution's international office as well as Homeland Security
I also need to inform Homeland Security each and everytime I move as well. I'm surprised they don't make non-resident aliens wear tracking devices.

5. Get international office to sign work permit every time you want to leave the country
Yes, this is the grown up version of a hall pass.

6. Apply for social security number
The SSN can take anything from a couple of weeks to a few months to be issued so I did this first thing in the morning on the day after I arrived and it still took five weeks to get a number.

7. Find someone you can stay with until SSN arrives
It's impossible to get a lease without a SSN so I stayed with a New Zealand postdoc in our lab who turned out to be a stark raving loony of the highest order.

8. Purchase enough ramen noodles to last until four weeks after the SSN is issued
Yes, that's how long it took for HR, personnel, international office, postdoc office and my department to do the paperwork so that I could get paid. Before I left the land far, far away, I sold ALL of my worldly possessions and even then, I had to wait for 2.5 months until I got paid here at which time my credit cards were maxxed out and I had exactly $2 left.

9. Get a drivers license
I was very fortunate and got my license just before the rules changed. I had to show my passport, visa, international drivers license and SSN but got my license without too many problems. A few months later, the DMV were required to run online checks with Homeland Security before they could start the licensing paperwork so they were only taking 10 applicants per day ... even though there were 100 people showing up at 6am each morning as there is only one DMV office in my current city that will process foreign nationals.

10. Open a bank account
See further down in this post for the hassles I'm currently having trying to open a new account FOUR years after I arrived, but suffice it to say that showing the passport, visa, SSN etc all over again was the order of the day.

11. Get a credit card
Unless you want to put ~$500 down into a secured credit card, wait for >6 months until you can establish some credit, somehow.

12. Get a cell phone
Pretty simple to get a cell phone huh?? Wrong. Have online application rejected and then try to explain to non-English speaking telephone operator why you have no credit history (which is worse than a bad credit history I can assure you). Eventually settle on plan but pay $50 non-refundable application fee for the privilege.

13. Get a car
If you have enough cash, this is easy and I was very lucky that our postdoc office had a deal with the local credit union as they gave me a loan when I opened my bank accounts ... I had to pay an additional 2% APR on top of the advertised rate though. I had to car pool with the NZ Psycho Bitch for the first five weeks I was here as I couldn't afford a car without a loan.

14. Get car insurance
Expect to pay the same rates as a newly licensed 16yo driver because you don't have three years of a "verifiable driving record" in the US. Even a letter from my previous insurance company in the land far, far away stating that I had been accident and claim free for 15 years didn't make any ounce of difference. At the end of the three year period, I still had to fight them to lift the fucking surcharge.

15. Be treated like a potential criminal suspect at every opportunity
The first year I was here I saw the dreaded "SSSS" on EACH AND EVERY airline boarding pass I had and got to experience the pleasure of having both my bags and person searched while other travelers looked on with suspicion.

Fast forward a few years until it's time to apply for a new work permit, this time a H-1B. Luckily, the application procedure is a little easier if you are actually in the US but I still had to get my PhD officially recognized ($90), get a nice letter from my mentor saying why he needed me to stay and pay the application fee ($180 - it's now >$300 somewhere). Remember that this is just for the permit. The next time I left the US to visit my family, I had to go through the whole entry visa nightmare detailed in #2 above ... except this time, the consulate fucked things up and I had to fly back to Major Capital City to pick up my passport the day before returning to the US.

As I'm in H-1B status now, it's relatively simple to switch between institutions, but I still had to email scanned copies of all of my passport, previous entry cards, visas and permits as well as my PhD evaluation to Really Big U; they submitted all of the paperwork last month and I'm assuming they paid for it as they haven't asked me for any money yet. I've been assured that it's just a matter of waiting for the receipt confirming that the application was received but the bottom line is that I won't be able to start my new job until that comes through.

So what's the problem, I hear you ask?? Having gone through all of the above, I thought things would be smooth sailing until I apply for permanent residency (a necessity as the H-1B visas are restricted to a 6yr maximum (2x3yr limit).

Until I tried to open a new bank account a couple of weeks ago.

My checking and savings accounts are currently in a little local credit union and I need to have accounts that are accessible by either local branches in New City or online.

The first problem is that NONE of the financial institutions in New City have branches in my current city ... or my current state for that matter.

No problem in the digital age right?? I'll just apply for an account online for one of the major banks. Easily done. Filled out all the online forms for checking and savings accounts as well as a new credit card, sent in the required signature pages and sat by the letter box waiting for the account info and cards to arrive.

Got home this afternoon to find that the credit card had been approved but that the checking and savings accounts had been refused due to "inconsistencies" in the information I provided in my application and that I should see my local branch for further assistance.

WTF??? There is NO local branch in my state, nor in the neighboring states for that matter. I chose this bank because it is large and has a lot of branches in New City.

The retarded woman in the "customer support" just kept repeating that I needed to visit a branch in person but didn't fully comprehend that the closest branch would be an 8h drive away.

After hanging up on the dumbfuck in frustration, I spent some time googling the situation and found out that as a non-resident alien, I have to open bank accounts in person, regardless of how much money I have in my savings account (a respectable amount right now) or how good my credit history is (which is now excellent btw). Something about the Patriot Act apparently.

So even after four years of being the model non-resident alien, having a SSN, paying taxes (yes, I even pay social security and medicare as well), doing volunteer work (yes, I'm that nice), being vetted by Homeland Security and USCIS several times for work permits and visas and even having a pistol permit at one stage (just to prove that I could get one without showing any identification), I can get a credit card online with a $10,000 fucking credit limit but I can't open a savings or checking account without jumping through more goddamned hoops.

I'm all for national security, protecting the rights of US citizens and the like and I'm also fully aware that I'm only allowed to work in the US by the good graces of the US government, but the amount of crap I've had to go through to be able to lead a normal life here is just insane. And the whole bank account thing today almost caused me to spontaneously combust.

For those of you that think that moving across country and starting on the tenure track is hard work, spare a thought for those of us that are doing that as well as dealing with this sort of bureaucratic nonsense at every turn.

Grrrrr.